Random thoughts

This morning I went and had a massage, I love my sisterin law! She secretly planned the whole thing, and then we went and had lunch! While I am on the topic of luch, Pizza by the Chef has great pizza! Anyways, I started thinking about family. Mine is so crazy, that I seldom even want to claim them...except for my brother, who is the only other "normal" one out there in my dna line. I am so thankful that God chose to give me such a wonderful husband, and our 3 beautiful children, who will not know what it is like to have to wear the same pair of underware everyday, or wait on the nieghbors to buy them groceries so they don't go hungry. I was visiting with a friend of mine this morning and we were on the topic of what we would do for our children, and wouldn't do for our children, and while this was a very honest and real conversation I find myself very ANGRY with the very person I call mother. I have asked God to fill my heart with a love and compassion for her and to help me to let go of the hurt inside, and for some reason this is still plaguing me! I am so in love with my children, and the thought that anyone couldn't feel the way I feel for my kids toward their own is very upsetting! I am pathetic I think because I have been able to forgive other people in my life who have done horrible unimaginable things to me, and yet I can't get past the bitterness inside for her. Lord please forgive me, and deliver me from the chains of unforgiveness and heal that broken relationship. I am not even sure why I am typing all of this for anyone to read, but when I sit down and start thinking all kinds of stuff just starts comming out and to the surface. Please pray for me. I am just like you, a real person, with real feelings and emotions, hurting on the inside from time to time and struggling with things just like you. Thank you

First Official Blog

Well I am not even sure where to start or what to say. So for now I will say what is onthe forefront of my mind. I am tired, so my thoughts are a little scatter-brained at the moment, so please bear with me. I started a new job (only part time) two days ago, and I feel somewhat guilty because I do actually enjoy it. We could definitely use the extra income (never hurts) and I am able to interact with other adults during the day. However, I miss my children and husband while I am there. Kind of a catch 22 perhaps. Perhaps these feelings will subside, and as the Lord leads I will follow, but for now I feel this is what I need to do in order to help sustain our family and keep things going smoothly. I seriously probably am not making any sense at the moment. I feel as though I am kind of all over the board at times when it comes to being a stay at home mom. I absolutely LOVE my children and I cherish the time that I have with them, but there are times when I get soooo frustrated being at home all day long, and without anyone to really talk to. I guess that is why I have recently become obsessed with the whole my space thing! I hope I am not sending the wrong impression here. I whole heartedly believe that my first and foremost responsibility is to our family, and by working I am helping to relieve some of the burden my husband is currently under. I hope that I am able to physically stand up to the challenge of this new job, and not to let my family down. I guess that is what it all boils down too, I am afraid of failing my family! I have always struggled with feelings of being inadiquate, and self doubt but I also tend to giveup too easily in the hopes of warding off another "I told you so". When we moved back from Florida after being houseparents at a childrens home for 2 years. I struggled with horrible feelings of guilt. Do we stay and disappoint our children who were really struggling with some very personal issues, and I was struggling with my own as well, or do we leave and disappoint the children that we have grown to love as our own? Very difficult, and after MUCH prayer and council we decided it best to leave. MY heart breaks either way. I miss the kids greatly, the people there and our church family, but I am convinced it was the right thing to do for our family. I don't regret ever going, I wish things could've been diffent that's all. My mother's heart is to love and protect my children, and I am always wondering am I going to screw up somewhere and my kids get hurt..what then. UGH...tough place to be in sometimes and yet I wouldn't trade being a mom for all the wealth and glory in the world! I told you my thought were scatter-brained. Sometimes I am in a funny , easy going mood, and at others I feel as though I am on a war path! Fasten your seat belt folks we may be in for a bumpy ride! God Bless