First Official Blog

Well I am not even sure where to start or what to say. So for now I will say what is onthe forefront of my mind. I am tired, so my thoughts are a little scatter-brained at the moment, so please bear with me. I started a new job (only part time) two days ago, and I feel somewhat guilty because I do actually enjoy it. We could definitely use the extra income (never hurts) and I am able to interact with other adults during the day. However, I miss my children and husband while I am there. Kind of a catch 22 perhaps. Perhaps these feelings will subside, and as the Lord leads I will follow, but for now I feel this is what I need to do in order to help sustain our family and keep things going smoothly. I seriously probably am not making any sense at the moment. I feel as though I am kind of all over the board at times when it comes to being a stay at home mom. I absolutely LOVE my children and I cherish the time that I have with them, but there are times when I get soooo frustrated being at home all day long, and without anyone to really talk to. I guess that is why I have recently become obsessed with the whole my space thing! I hope I am not sending the wrong impression here. I whole heartedly believe that my first and foremost responsibility is to our family, and by working I am helping to relieve some of the burden my husband is currently under. I hope that I am able to physically stand up to the challenge of this new job, and not to let my family down. I guess that is what it all boils down too, I am afraid of failing my family! I have always struggled with feelings of being inadiquate, and self doubt but I also tend to giveup too easily in the hopes of warding off another "I told you so". When we moved back from Florida after being houseparents at a childrens home for 2 years. I struggled with horrible feelings of guilt. Do we stay and disappoint our children who were really struggling with some very personal issues, and I was struggling with my own as well, or do we leave and disappoint the children that we have grown to love as our own? Very difficult, and after MUCH prayer and council we decided it best to leave. MY heart breaks either way. I miss the kids greatly, the people there and our church family, but I am convinced it was the right thing to do for our family. I don't regret ever going, I wish things could've been diffent that's all. My mother's heart is to love and protect my children, and I am always wondering am I going to screw up somewhere and my kids get hurt..what then. UGH...tough place to be in sometimes and yet I wouldn't trade being a mom for all the wealth and glory in the world! I told you my thought were scatter-brained. Sometimes I am in a funny , easy going mood, and at others I feel as though I am on a war path! Fasten your seat belt folks we may be in for a bumpy ride! God Bless